What's the f**ing point?

My son is leaving for university this week and I’ve been finding myself in a bit of a gloom, every now and then. You heard stories of mums and dads, dreading an emptying nest; of a future that feels uncertain and slipping through their fingers, out of their hands; of pride, trust and confidence in their children; of time that has passed too fast; of moments that should have been treasured more; of worries about financial commitments and most importantly, of letting someone go, more precious than anything else. Someone, who was never theirs to keep.

Gloom has its own language. I know it well and although I understand the wisdom of not dwelling in it too long, I chose to stay in it just a little longer. There is something in it, that wants to be heard or seen.

So, there are these practical things like buying, sorting, washing, folding, packing clothes and household items for him to take that, at present, can easily put me in a state of massive unease. I can get this chokey sensation in my throat or feel panicky about things I’ve forgotten or haven’t even considered. And there are so many things, I simply don’t know. After being informed about every step and decision, result or event for 18 years by whichever school, club, doctor or friend he went to, all communications now go through him. It’s not, that he’s withholding any from me, it’s just not in my hands anymore. He is more than ready to handle all this, I’m just sometimes not sure, I am. So, I guess more than just him not being around, I’m grieving my role, function and importance in his life. And here is where staying in a difficult feeling with open eyes for just that little bit longer comes in handy:

A feeling is never about a circumstance, person, behaviour or thing. It can only be about the thinking I have about any or all of the above. And that’s also the only bit I practically have a say over, if I can see it. I know the theory of this so well. I teach it, I write about it and get people to play with and reflect on this in my work. And yet it does not look like it at all, when I am in the middle of feeling it. It looks more like someone is sitting on my chest or holding my throat tight. Sometimes it feels like my heart is beating so hard against my ribs that I fear they could break. I feel my shoulder tightening, my head pounding and none of it comes with a label attached or an explanation that makes any sense.

This is probably the reason feelings have such a bad reputation in our society. They are troublesome buggers: uncomfortable, noisy and vastly misunderstood. Most of the self-help world is about avoiding, overcoming or transforming them. We love the joy, don’t we? But there is beauty and wisdom in gloom, too.

Staying in it for a little longer helped me see Thought, the energy that moves through me to create what manifests as ‘the feeling of gloom’ in my system. It doesn’t matter what different thoughts play into it, confusing, overlapping, contradicting as they are. What really matters is that I can see what this powerful thing, that I can’t even put my finger on, is made of. What matters is that I can see what is mine and what is borrowed or conditioned into me. I can see where I’m trying to hold on to something that feels familiar and safe for my sake rather than allowing my son to spread his wings and discover a new world on his terms, without the burden of my grief. What matters is that now I have perspective enough to be in awe of my system that communicates with me in this powerful way. What matters is that now I see the beauty in feeling what I feel without being afraid of it. What matters is that now I can let it go, because it has done its job.

So, if you ever asked yourself, what’s the f*ing point of being with, looking at, listening to or reading about feelings, this is it for me: A feeling felt and listened to with open eyes will always give you something that you didn’t know.

I would lie if I said I’m done feeling this step strongly, but I can take it with a lot more presence and clarity than I would have done avoiding the discomfort. That’s enough ‘point’ for me. So, if ever you felt uncomfortable with a feeling, welcome to the club and welcome to new and exciting things that come with seeing through it.