Before our labels hold us captive

When my son was in reception class at school, he was labelled a “consistent work avoider”, as he, at the age of 4, would choose the mud kitchen over structured activities, within the free flow education they had in place. He wasn’t refusing anything, he just didn’t choose to hang out with his teacher. She concluded, (and I’m not making this up!) “He is not taking responsibility for his education.” She also called him “socially immature”. (Again, he was four at the time), but he had only one good friend and would try to play with her whenever possible. These are big labels for a little child and their parents. She also didn't like that he only used one colour when drawing, but I forgot what pathology that seemed to suggest. On parent evening, she told me to organise play dates with a list of kids she prepared for us, kids that our son hadn’t been interested in so far and asked me to report back on how things were going.

When I pointed out that he was reading really well, she said “Oh yeah, he likes his books.” When I suggested that he had a great awareness of numbers, mass and weights for his age, she said: “Yes, he’s not bad with his number, but he only draws in one colour, which is not good.”

Just imagine, how easy it is to identify with observations like these and how quickly we turn them into character flaws and traits? They seem so cute to start with: trouble maker, work avoider, socially awkward, book worm, unsocial, spoilt, lazy, party mouse, peace maker, deprived background, fairy princess, dreamer, storm trooper, so kind, shy, loud, sporty. For many kids these labels become identities that are no longer questioned. They replace the Self that is full of potential and use these labels to organise their world in a much more predictable way. This starts very early and we often (innocently) help them do it.

I was thinking of this conversation with my son's reception teacher over the summer, when I read about our Prime Minister, Andy Burnham’s idea to identify kids with low employability potential at primary school age to combat the rising number of NEETs. NEETs are young people between the ages of 16 and 24, who are Not in Education, Employment or Training. We have more than a million of those in this country.

And while I champion early intervention and support to a hundred percent, I imagined this woman with a flipchart and her limited set of labels to be in charge of that. A crippling chill ran down my spine.

We are dealing with the biggest and most profound mental health crisis amongst our children and young people. Even though schools are spending record sums on interventions, personalised support and adaptations. Never before, in the history of mankind did we have more people around the world struggling to just live, not because they lack food or funds but because they don't believe they can. We blame this on Social Media or the internet or the rising pace of our time, the archaic school system, AI and on a lack of active time running around outside. And I agree, all of these challenges are real. But with one in five school aged children long-term absent from school or indeed any form of education, with a record number of medical diagnoses and the highest ever amount of prescription drugs given out to children, maybe we are looking in the wrong direction for this to change. The last thing we need is more labels.

I worked in classrooms with kids from very deprived backgrounds and one-on-one with children with virtually limitless resources and support. I can say with confidence that although you might not find the millionaire’s child on benefits later on in life, their ability to meet challenges and expectations is just as essential to their survival, as it is for the child who lives with their mum and 3 siblings in a bedsit. I also did an improvised class with a group of 56 orphaned kids in a refugee camp in Uganda. I was speaking to them all sitting under a tree outside, online from the comfort of my home to one tiny phone via WhatsApp video. And without wanting to compare the hardship, I know that for these kids, who would do anything to go to school, who have witnessed horror that we can't even imagine, the way they are learning to use their minds will have the most profound impact on how things are turning out.

I wish for this whole conversation to shift away from lack towards how we get our children to believe in themselves again, to find and trust in their own abilities to overcome adversity and to connect to something that is bigger than themselves. I wish we would come away from measuring everything against one made-up standard. I want us as a society to see beyond the many labels we are accumulating over time to the pure potential of who we are, individually and collectively.

I’m in a group on Facebook with more than 8,500 parents of kids who do not do well in school. Well-meaning, loving parents looking for support. When I joined, I thought this would be such an easy way to get people into my programmes, because everyone needs them. I tell you, these are the hardest nuts to crack. And do you know why? They cling to the labels of their child’s lack for their dear life. They have lost hope for a future in which their children can thrive. But how, I’m asking, are our kids to pull themselves out of the big hole they find themselves in, when nobody believes that this is even an option?

This is the real challenge in my eyes: The way we identify with and resign ourselves to our labels. And it starts with us. This is ultimately what this whole blog is all about. The idea of True North is not about following the ‘right path’ or the ‘right techniques'. It is about recognising and utilising the biggest power source we have for ourselves and our children: our own inner compass and guidance.

I would so love for you to share what you read in this. I'm not claiming to have the answers to these big questions of our time. But I'm so full of hope that we do, collectively, one step at a time.