I did a role play on conflict resolution with a class of 10 and 11-year-olds recently, which highlighted something incredibly important to me as a teacher, facilitator and coach: Learning about something life-changing is one thing – translating this into your life, seeing and testing this for yourself is on another level. And sometimes that needs a little time and practice.
We had already spent five sessions of exploring the iheart framework, in which we create a common language to talk about the fundamental laws that underpin our human experience. So, what we explored over those five sessions was basically why we think, feel and behave the way we do. To begin with, we reflected on what it feels like to be our best self: To feel calm, collected, held, peaceful, curious, full of ideas, resourceful and resilient – unbreakable. Interestingly, this particular group of kids came from a background where these qualities were hardly ever spoken about, highlighted or even known, yet they all had words for them and remembered situations in which they were felt. There was a calm in the room and an acknowledgement that this is not just theory but who they really are.
We also explored what gets in the way of us being in this feeling all the time and why this baseline is hardly ever spoken about. But then in the same way, why would you talk about the air we breathe unless there was problem with it, or with our lungs, for that matter? We don’t even seem to appreciate that our lives depend on it.
We talked about the difference it would make to really KNOW that the words they used to describe their best selves were actually an accurate description of who we really are when our minds are at rest. We experimented around the fact that knowing this is our most important point of influence in any situation in life. A moment to moment way to navigate and calibrate. Check this out:
In iheart we use a metaphor of two roads; attached wellbeing and innate wellbeing road. Two very different roads that each lead to very different experiences of life. Not just life in general, but this life, in this moment within these specific circumstances we’re in - moment to moment to moment. On the one road we assume that our value, safety, success and happiness depend on events, circumstances and people around us; our pasts, personalities, traumas, backgrounds. Here, our minds inevitably fill up with endless loops of thought around managing, defending, proving, resisting, fighting and avoiding. Each of these thoughts will come with a feeling and all of them will create the familiar experience of tension, stress, anxiety, urgency, victimhood and overwhelm. We all know what this feels like, but most often we don't know what to do with this experience. What these kids learned is that these sensations are part of the most reliable, predictable and unmistakable feedback system there is.
Over, on the other road, I experience the same circumstance in a completely different way. I know that whatever comes my way, can be dealt with, one step at a time. On this road, I don’t need to prove that I’m worth it. I don’t need people to love me or agree with me. I know that the issue, person or challenge I’m faced with has no power to define me, has no power over my feelings. On this road, I know that my wellbeing is innate, was given to me when I was born and will be with me until the day I die, even if I can’t see a trace of it at times. That doesn’t mean I always feel bliss but if I don’t, I still know that I am deeply okay, safe, loved and resourceful enough to take the next step. If there is something I need to deal with, the ‘me-having-to-earn, prove or defend-it-bit’ is not added.
On the innate wellbeing road, I have resources that are simply not available on the other side, where I believe my wellbeing is attached things, people and circumstances. I have a lot more capacity in my mind, simply because I don’t fill it with unnecessary future projections or planning. I’m free to come up with a next step, often without knowing what this would do. I know who to ask for help and don't feel uncomfortable to do that. I have perspective and wisdom and I know that whatever the outcome may be, I’ll be alright. Often, I don’t even need this ‘problem’ to be solved. My life and welfare simply does not depend on it. Not so common, right? But totally possible and really attractive as alternative.
One circumstance, two fundamentally different experiences. The only difference is in where I understand my wellbeing is coming from (in this moment).
Coming back to the role play I mentioned at the beginning: It was so powerful to be reminded that sometimes great learning needs time and practice. In this case, the kids I worked with had never experienced any conflict resolution that wasn't managed from outside. School usually disciplines behaviour and at home, well... Let's say, the idea of coming from a deep sense of 'who they are' in a moment of challenge was more than alien to this group, as it is for most of us, if we are honest. The result was carnage. I had to intervene after a minute and a half. But then, they never saw someone responding rather than reacting. They never realised the potential and power of coming from a grounded space within themselves. It needed a little modelling and tasting and quite a few attempts to let them see that this is even possible and potentially the biggest edge they could ever have.
We are often so used to our attached wellbeing reactions that we can’t even imagine that there are way more powerful options to approach any conflict or challenge. Our habitual way of reacting is so loud and well-rehearsed, that we don't hear the wisdom that is inside. But we can definitely get better at it. The feedback system cannot be fooled but we get better at reading the signs and redirecting ourselves back to junction.
If you have seen something big and find yourself wondering why it hasn't made a difference yet, it might take a little time and practice to translate your insights into your life.
If you like to have some help with this, I'm ready when you are.
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