In more than two minds

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You’ve got to be careful with opinion pieces. They are, after all, just that, an opinion. I try not to go there, whenever possible. Not because opinions are debatable, but because they are, by definition, not TRUE, just an opinion. Having said that, today I might be crossing over a little bit. So, take what makes sense to you. It certainly feels TRUE to me.

The UK government has taken brave steps this week, announcing a social media ban for everyone under the age of 16. My kid’s school has been preparing us parents towards a no tolerance smart phone policy for all children up to GCSE level (at 16), starting from next school year. Now, as a parent, navigating two teenage boys growing up with smart phones and social media and as a coach and educator, working with teens, I see the effects of social media and technology use every day. It is not just the addiction, it’s the limitless availability of information of all kinds, the non-stop stimulation, the instant gratification and a shocking entitlement that comes with it. Our kids really struggle to tolerate any delay, any frustration and any unsolved question. They don’t spend time pondering, daydreaming, or figuring out. There is no time for it and always an answer at the tip of their fingers. This applies to everything from homework to managing friendships.

From that end, I am all for it. Let’s go back to a time when our kids spent their days reading and drawing and solving puzzles, hanging out with their friends in person, playing football or catch. From a purist point of view, I would love that.

I remember, when smoking was banned in public places and literally everyone I knew was smoking, including me. No-one could imagine going to a pub without a cigarette or sitting in a restaurant without the good old puff after a meal. Today, we’re looking back in disbelief and horror. We can’t even imagine a tube, aeroplane or cinema where smoking was allowed. Maybe, over time, this will happen for social media, too. Maybe, it will be much easier to raise children, who never get access to harmful content on the internet before they are mature enough to handle it, simply because precautions are so advanced.

Yet, I still wonder if a ban of social media for kids really is a solution, or the beginning of a bigger compliance challenge. I wonder if our energy would be better spent on preparing the kids for the road, instead of pressure cleaning the roads for them. From what I heard, more than 60% of Australian teens manage to bypass the new restrictions. These might be teething problems, but I’m sure British teens are already working on their strategies. The real problem I see starts way before that. And I hope, just banning platforms will not be the only thing that happens.

I know of children, who’ve been trolled, bullied, stalked, virtually nihilated on social media. I know of children, who got kicked out of school for using it in a harmful way. I know of kids who overdosed in a shock reaction, or stopped going to school long-term because they were framed and targeted on social media. And I know of children who got massively influenced on topics like self-harm, extreme weight control, body image, dangerous TikTok dares and even suicide. And I know that all this is extremely difficult to navigate as a parent.

I’m still in two minds, if not more, because I know that despite the challenges the availability of all this content is presenting, the real problem is somewhere else.

This newsletter is called True North, because I see that in a world with constantly changing parameters, we need something fix to navigate by. Something reliable, predictable, constant and universal. Not something that depends on moods, on circumstance, on how people treat us, how well we do, what friends say or dare us to do, how thin we are or how smart or pretty. The problem I see is that our kids grow up in a world where the only orientation comes from moving targets outside of them, slapped in their faces from all angles, at all times. So much confusion, so much pressure.

I’m in two minds, because I think, if we don’t find ways to address this outward orientation, social media will quickly be replaced by another platform, medium, technology, with just the same effect.

The kids I work with, struggle with one thing more than anything else: they have no awareness of who they are underneath the many, and often conflicting labels that have been attached to them. This is something that is simply not taught anymore. There is no education on reflective awareness about themselves. They may know that they are good at maths or English, football or drawing, but they don’t know, who they are at core, what it feels like to be themselves and most importantly, what strength that brings without them even trying. And they don’t know how to reset or change course once their mind has taken them on a ride. What they have learned is to compare themselves with others.

If the only orientation is the outside, then our world, by default, becomes something that is out of our control, volatile and not trustworthy at all. I’ve worked in classrooms with stress levels so high, you could feel the air vibrate. 11-year-olds, constantly looking over their shoulders, manipulating and luring adults into their survival mode game. Interestingly, most of those kids were not on any social media platform yet. In environments like this, schoolwork is an afterthought, if at all. This is not a behaviour problem, this is a misunderstanding of where safety and value lives.

Just to make this point from the other direction, a child who feels secure in themselves, would never troll someone else on social media or in real life, simply because there is no need for it. A child who knows who they are at core would not go looking to find ways to harm themselves or others, a child who understands that they have innate capacities like creativity, calm and resourcefulness would not feel threatened by silly jokes or circulating pictures. Annoyed, maybe, upset, for sure but destroyed? They would know that this core is indestructible, unbreakable, even if it looks like they’ve lost it at this moment.

Social media will stay in our lives in one form or another. Let’s use the time we are getting to prepare our kids with a foundation, a solid ground to stand on, until it hits them again at age 16. This might be just an idea, but it is one I passionately believe in.