A crack in the clouds

Picture taken on New Year's Day 2016, looking down at the fog from a blue sky mountain top

I’ve been nebulous about this True North thing, haven’t I? It’s not that I was trying to sound mysterious. It’s just whenever I put words around it, that’s not it. True North is not a destination, is not a place, is not even an aspect of us. It is us, in our most essential, natural state, before we create the person, we think we are, with the problems and circumstances we find ourselves in. That’s why it is so hard to describe. What would that be and how do we get there? As soon as I put words around it, it turns into a thing. Another thing to chase, to deserve, to achieve. And any ‘thing’ we want, quickly becomes a trap. A trap, that makes it look like it’s not working after all, because we are still stressed and exhausted and frustrated, comparing ourselves and feel like we can never arrive. The curious thing is that we can never truly move away from it, either. We only think we do.

I’ll tell you a story today, that was deeply meaningful to me. At the beginning of my journey into learning about our mind on this fundamental or principles level, I had the most exquisite experience. It was New Year’s Day 2016. I was with my family at my in-law’s place. The weather had been miserable for days. My father-in-law suggested to at least try to get out of the house for a little walk. No one shouted ‘Yay!’ straight away. Despite the fact, that we had been trapped indoors for days because of the weather and were slowly growing grumpy and desperate to move our Christmas heavy bodies, we had never seen a fog like the one we had outside. It was thick as a wall. We struggled even driving at walking speed. There was zero visibility. With all lights on, our two cars slowly inched away. It felt utterly pointless. There was nothing to see. My husband’s parents live near the stunning Swabian Alps in Southern Germany, with lots of peaks and little highs and castles on mountain tops all around. None of that was available to us in this moment. It simply didn’t exist. So, we drove on blindly uphill, when the fog gradually started getting lighter and lighter, until suddenly blue skies opened up ahead of us.

Any attempt to describe this will fall short. It was a truly miraculous moment. I found myself crying and was wondering why. It wasn’t just awe about the beauty around us. What I felt was the relief of seeing something that would change everything for me. When I looked down at the valley, which was enveloped in the most magnificent white cloud, I saw that I had spent years of my life in a similar fog, without having a clue that there was something else to be seen. I could also see how local our little cloud of fog actually was. It felt endless and hopeless while we were in it, drained of colours, sounds and joy, slow and dreary. Yet, from up here it was simply beautiful and completely insignificant compared to the endless blue of the sky.

I understood in this moment that every cloud works like that. Some are light and fluffy, some are dark and heavy, some feel like there is nothing else but grey, they come with wind, they come with rain. Yet, the blue sky is always on top, completely unimpressed, undisturbed, untouched by whatever local weather there may be. All it took, was getting ourselves up that hill.

Going back down into the fog was interesting, too. It had lost its grip. It was by no means as scary or dark as it had been going uphill. I simply marvelled at the nature of it all and at the fact that seeing this made all the difference. I knew it had. I finally felt what people tried to describe as ‘True North’, or ‘our wellbeing’, or ‘who we really are’. It wasn’t any of the words I learned to connect with it: clarity, love, safety, freedom, wisdom, blablabla. But there weren’t better words to describe it, either. What I saw was pure potential and I knew in this moment that this is who we are at core. Not just me, all of us. I also saw how we carry our own little personal clouds with us with pride and protectiveness, as if they were who we are, instead. At least, I had. And I saw that the problem wasn’t the clouds, at all, but forgetting that the blue sky is just on top: Always bigger and always brighter.

Seeing this gave any period of darkness that followed a powerful perspective. Seeing this, made navigating out of darkness easier, steadier and more graceful ever since. In whatever hole I dug myself in after that, I knew it would either pass or I would find a lift up. All it takes is noticing. That’s the real reason I’m banging on this True North thing. It literally changed my life and I know that it can change yours, too.  

To be honest, I wasn’t sure whether I should share this with you. Will you relate? Will it feel removed from the day-to-day struggle? Will it sound like a fairy tale with a fantasy moral? Only you can answer that. For me, seeing this, has been the most practical tool to balance myself in any challenge in my life. I made this into my craft for myself, my family and the people I work with. This is what I wish for everyone of you, whatever level you’re playing on right now, in your game of life.